The Men I Keep Falling For

People often ask me what my type is.

The funny thing is that I don't think I have one.

If you lined up all the men I've obsessed over, you would probably struggle to find a pattern. Some were artists. Some were musicians. Some were athletes. Some were intellectuals. Some were shy. Some were loud. Some looked like they had stepped out of a fantasy and others were attractive in ways that only made sense to me.

The only obvious thing they all had in common was that they were men.

And yes, physical attraction matters to me.

A lot.

I am very visual and very instinctive. I always have been. I am only attracted to cisgender men. That has never been flexible for me. If attraction isn't there, nothing else really begins. No amount of compatibility, shared interests, or good intentions can create it. I don't sit around analyzing astrology charts or making lists of personality traits. Something either sparks inside me or it doesn't.

Looking back, I can almost map my life through the men who managed to derail it.

Johnny was my delivery driver.

He was handsome in a rough sort of way. Punk-looking, quiet, confident, the type of person who didn't waste words. One day I invited him inside. Instead of rushing off to his next delivery, he pulled out his phone, called his boss and casually announced that he had a flat tire and wouldn't make it.

Then he hung up.

I still remember his crooked smile while he was on the phone and the way his eyes stayed fixed on me the entire time.

My knees genuinely felt weak.

I remember thinking:

"This man is fire."

The fact that he had just canceled his next delivery for me certainly didn't help.

Then there was Alexander.

Alexander is ridiculously handsome, charming, funny and somehow manages to be both sweet and intimidating at the same time.

During our first rehearsal, I caught him staring while I was bending down to tie my shoes.

I looked up and asked:

"You like what you see?"

The poor guy immediately turned bright red.

That was the moment.

Not because he was attracted to me.

I already knew he was attractive.

It was the fact that my words had affected him so much.

I loved that shy smile.

I loved that sudden embarrassment.

Something about it made him special.

Then there was another man who couldn't have been more different.

Muscular. Positive. Funny. The sort of person who lights up a room without even trying.

One morning I was wearing pajamas covered in kittens, which I actually liked very much.

He pointed at one of the kittens and said:

"That one looks like you."

It was such a stupid little comment.

But I remember exactly how it felt.

I liked how cute he thought I was.

The whole thing made me smile for the rest of the day.

Then there was the gym guy.

The funny thing is that we didn't even like each other at first.

At least not in the way people imagine.

I was jealous. He had rejected me and was interested in Seunghoon instead. For a while there was tension between us and I certainly wasn't planning on becoming attached to him.

Then one day I was working out and noticed him sitting in the corner eating a protein bar.

He caught me looking.

I winked.

He winked back.

And for some reason that was it.

Something shifted.

A tiny moment that probably meant nothing to anyone else suddenly stayed with me.

After that we spent more time together. We got to know each other. The tension disappeared and was replaced by something much warmer.

He turned out to be funny, caring, incredibly positive, and far kinder than I had first assumed. He even wrote a song for me.

Looking back, he taught me something important.

People talk about attraction as if it always arrives like lightning.

Sometimes it does.

But sometimes it grows slowly.

Sometimes affection is cultivated.

You learn someone piece by piece and one day realize they have become important to you.

And then there is Seunghoon.

The strange thing about Seunghoon is that he didn't actually do anything.

No flirting.

No compliment.

No dramatic gesture.

He was simply standing there beside his father smiling.

I was still a child.

And the moment I saw him I remember thinking:

"Oh God. Here he is. My prince"

I can't explain it better than that.

It wasn't a decision.

It wasn't logic.

It felt like recognition.

Like I already knew him somehow.

And unlike the others, Seunghoon never treated me like something fragile or crazy.

He treated me like an equal.

Someone he could rely on.

Someone he could build a life with.

Looking back, I think that's the biggest difference.

People assume I fall for a particular kind of man.

The truth is that the men I've chosen have been wildly different from one another.

Yet they all shared qualities that mattered.

They were open-minded.

Emotionally available.

Curious.

Kind in their own ways.

Willing to look past appearances, rumors, reputations, and all the reasons someone else might have walked away.

Maybe that is the real pattern.

Not the way they looked.

Not their profession.

Not their personality type.

But the fact that they were willing to meet me where I was.

Maybe that's why I don't really have exes.

Most of the men I choose stay in my life.

They remain both friends and sex partners.

I am strangely loyal in that sense.

Once I decide someone matters, I don't let go easily and, fortunately, they don't let go of me either.

So when people ask me what my type is, I never really know how to answer.

Because maybe I was never looking for a particular type of man.

Maybe I was looking for particular qualities.

A certain openness.

A certain warmth.

A certain willingness to connect.