Why I Become Obsessed

 

One thing my family, friends, lovers and boyfriends have all agreed on throughout my life is that I become obsessed.

Not attracted.

Obsessed.

The problem is that I don't always know where attraction ends and obsession begins.

To me they often feel like the same thing at different volumes.

Attraction says:
"He's attractive."

Obsession says:
"Nothing else matters right now."

The best example I can think of happened because I needed batteries.

That was the entire plan.

Leave the house.

Buy batteries.

Go home.

Instead, I sat down at a bus stop because I was tired and noticed a construction worker.

He wasn't doing anything special.

He was just standing there.

But my eyes immediately noticed him.

Then my brain started doing what it always does.

I began imagining things. Building stories. Fantasizing. Wondering what he was like. Wondering what would happen if we talked. Wondering what he would be like in bed.

He got on a bus.

So I got on the bus too.

I wasn't even supposed to take the bus.

I completely forgot why I had left the house.

For the next half hour I sat there inside my own head while the city passed outside the window.

When he got off, I got off too.

He walked into a construction site and disappeared inside.

Only then did reality return.

I suddenly realized I had no idea where I was.

I had followed a complete stranger into an unfamiliar part of the city and forgotten the batteries entirely.

I ended up calling a taxi to take me home.

That is what obsession feels like.

It feels like being pulled into a different dimension.

Everything else becomes blurry.

The obsession becomes sharp.

People often assume it is exciting.

Sometimes it is.

More often it is exhausting.

When it begins, it gets into everything.

I lose concentration.

I forget conversations.

I stop paying attention.

I become distracted at work.

Sometimes I can't sleep.

Sometimes I dream about the man.

Sometimes I become so physically fixated that it feels almost painful.

My mind keeps returning to the same place over and over again.

The strange thing is that while it is happening, it feels completely rational.

Only afterwards do I realize how absurd it was.

One of the worst examples happened during an important business meeting with my father.

There were contracts to sign, money involved, and several men my father expected me to take seriously. He had prepared me beforehand and made it very clear that I needed to pay attention, listen, speak when appropriate, and not embarrass him.

Instead I became fixated on one of the men in the room.

A very handsome new employee.

While everyone else discussed business, I could barely follow the conversation.

I kept losing my train of thought.

At one point I even choked on a piece of squid and sent it flying across paperwork that was supposed to be signed.

Looking back, it sounds ridiculous.

At the time it wasn't funny at all.

I wasn't trying to be difficult.

I genuinely couldn't focus.

Eventually my father noticed something was wrong and had me taken out of the room because I simply wasn't functioning anymore.

That was one of the moments where I realized this wasn't normal attraction.

It was something stronger.

Something that could genuinely interfere with my life.

Another time I was supposed to attend an important dinner connected to Seunghoon's work.

It was a big moment for him. He was receiving a promotion and I was supposed to meet his boss and coworkers afterwards.

On the way there I noticed a man selling ice cream from one of those vans.

And that was it.

My brain locked onto him.

I stood there watching him, daydreaming, inventing stories, imagining conversations that would never happen.

Meanwhile Seunghoon kept calling.

The truth is that I wasn't ignoring the calls by accident.

At the time I genuinely thought:

"Why is he bothering me? Who cares about this dinner?"

The dinner felt unimportant.

The man in front of me felt important.

That is exactly how obsession works for me.

It rearranges my priorities.

Things that shouldn't matter suddenly feel urgent.

I only answered after what felt like the tenth call.

By then the man had disappeared, another customer had come along, and the spell had started to break.

Reality slowly returned.

I remember thinking:

"Oh God. I'm being an asshole."

I still made it to the dinner.

But it was another reminder that obsession doesn't just distract me.

Sometimes it completely rewrites what feels important in the moment.

My family worried about it enough that they eventually sent me to therapy.

It didn't do much.

The obsession still happens.
I have simply become more aware of it.

Another thing I have noticed over the years is that not everyone can pull me out of it.

My mother can't.

My sister can't.

Friends usually can't.

Talking doesn't work.

Reason doesn't work.

Logic definitely doesn't work.

The only men who occasionally manage it are men I already trust and care about.

Sometimes Seunghoon hugs me.

Sometimes one of my lovers distracts me.

Sometimes a familiar voice redirects my attention long enough for reality to come back into focus.

Even then it doesn't always work.

But occasionally it does.

The best way I can explain it is that my attention transfers.

The obsession loosens its grip and attaches itself to something familiar instead.

I know this probably sounds strange.

Maybe it is.

But it has been part of my life for as long as I can remember.

People often ask whether obsession is the same thing as love.

I don't think it is.

Most obsessions fade.

Some last minutes.

Some last days.

Some last weeks.

Many disappear once I know the man better.

Others disappear when I stop seeing him.

Love stays.

Obsession burns.

Love builds.

Obsession consumes.

The problem is that while it is happening, it can be difficult to tell the difference.

I know obsession has caused problems in my life.

I know the people close to me worry about it.

Yet when it happens, it never feels irrational.

It feels necessary.

Urgent.

Almost impossible to resist.

And that is probably the hardest thing to explain.

Because one moment I am sitting quietly at a bus stop planning to buy batteries.

And the next I am standing on the other side of the city wondering how I got there.