Growing Up Gay Meant Learning Fear Very Early

 

After the recent hate comments I received, I started thinking about how strange it is that people still act as if homophobia is some old problem society has already solved.

For a while, it felt like things were improving. More freedom. More visibility. More safety. More space to exist openly.

But honestly? In many places it feels like we are moving backwards again.

And the weird thing is that I’ve actually been one of the lucky ones.

I grew up with an extremely supportive mother and siblings. And despite my parents never agreeing on much, they agreed on one thing very strongly: I should never feel ashamed for being gay.

My father especially raised me with this mindset that I should never bend myself to fit into a hateful world. He taught me that the problem was never my existence — it was other people’s intolerance.

So I grew up openly gay from a very young age.

And because of that openness, I also experienced homophobia very openly too.

Some of these incidents happened in South Korea. Some in Germany. Some in the US. Different countries, different people, same hatred.

And honestly, one thing that probably saved me and Seunghoon multiple times throughout our lives was the fact that we both trained in martial arts for years and had black belts in taekwondo. Without that, some situations could have ended much worse.

1. The Playground

One night when we were teenagers, me and Seunghoon were sitting at a playground talking and playing around when a group of older boys approached us.

At first it was insults and pushing. Then two of them grabbed sticks.

They cornered us inside one of those small wooden playground houses. They spat on us, threw lit matches and garbage at us, pulled our hair, kicked us, forcefully undressed us and left us there naked in the winter cold.

We had to wait there humiliated and freezing until Seunghoon’s father arrived to pick us up.

What stayed with me most was not even the pain. It was realizing how quickly a seemingly harmless situation can turn dangerous and how easily people can stop seeing you as human.

2. “You Turned Him Gay”

When I was 18, I introduced a guy I had hooked up with to the gay scene.

Apparently his family decided that meant I had somehow “made” him gay.

One night his father and brother waited for me outside my house and attacked me while I was walking home.

I ended up with bruises, a broken nose and stitches.

One thing I noticed a lot is how desperately some people need to believe gay people “corrupt” others, because accepting that those desires already existed naturally inside someone is somehow more terrifying to them.

It’s easier for them to invent a villain than accept that sexuality is not contagious and that nobody can “turn” someone gay.

3. The Bus

Me and Seunghoon were quietly sitting together on a bus sharing chips and listening to music when a group of young guys started circling around us.

At first they mocked us and kicked our seats. Then they started trying to grab our headphones, threatening us and calling us slurs.

Eventually it escalated into physical pushing.

At that moment Seunghoon started becoming overwhelmed and showing signs of sensory overload, which they immediately used as an excuse to become even more aggressive.

Nobody on the bus did anything.

The only person who stepped in was the bus driver, who stopped the bus and forced the doors open so we could get out safely while the group kept yelling behind us.

What I remember most is not even the fear. It was the silence of everyone else.

4. The Police Officer

One of the most disturbing experiences I ever had involved a police officer.

I was in an alley with another man after midnight. We were kissing. Fully dressed. Not bothering anyone.

A police officer approached us aggressively with a baton demanding IDs. Even though we complied immediately, he decided we were “suspicious.”

Then suddenly he claimed we were resisting and hit both of us repeatedly with the baton.

That night I ended up with broken ribs and a broken tooth.

Being treated like a criminal when you have done nothing wrong changes something inside you. It becomes very hard to trust authority when the people meant to protect you become the people hurting you.

5. The Pizza Night

One night me and Seunghoon were walking back to our car after buying pizza when a group of drunk men started shouting slurs and throwing beer bottles at us from a hill nearby.

We rushed into the car thinking it would end there.

Instead they followed us down the hill, surrounded the car, started shaking it, kicking it and punching the windows.

Thankfully Seunghoon managed to drive away before things escalated further.

But even after escaping, we noticed their car following us for a while. We drove around for nearly thirty minutes trying to make sure they were gone before finally heading home.

And honestly the saddest part is probably that after all that happened…we still just wanted to eat our pizza in peace.

So we ordered another one.

6. The Online Harassment

Hate online becomes so normalized that sometimes people forget how frightening it can become when it crosses into real life.

At one point, three people became obsessed with harassing me online.

At first it was the usual insults: sinner, disgusting, abomination, mistake of nature.

Then came the death wishes.

Then the stalking.

Then threats about finding me and killing me.

Thankfully the situation never escalated physically because they were eventually stopped by private security my father had hired.

But it’s disturbing how comfortable people become threatening violence when they believe they are morally justified.

7. Losing My Friend

One of the worst incidents happened after leaving a gay bar with a friend late at night.

A group of drunk men — I think soccer fans after a match — started following us through an isolated area.

They blocked our path, insulted us and kept getting more aggressive. Some of them even had brass knuckles.

At one point one of them literally said:
“You’re gay. You should die.”

There were around seven of them and only two of us.

Me and Seunghoon had defended ourselves before in other situations because of our martial arts training, but this situation was different. They were drunk, armed and outnumbered us heavily.

I managed to escape because of a combination of panic, adrenaline, years of taekwondo training, and a random taxi driver passing nearby.

My friend didn’t survive.

And honestly, after something like that, you stop seeing homophobia as “just opinions.”

You understand very clearly that hatred can become violence very quickly.

That’s the strange thing about homophobia.

Most of the time, we are not attacked for doing anything extraordinary.

Not for hurting anyone.
Not for forcing anything onto anyone.
Not for existing loudly.

Sometimes all it takes is holding someone’s hand.
Looking “too gay.”
Kissing someone you love.
Refusing to hide.

And somehow, for certain people, that alone becomes enough reason for violence.

The bruises heal eventually.

But what stays with you is the realization that some people will genuinely hate you simply for existing honestly.

And that’s a very lonely thing to learn when you are still young.