Being in a Relationship with a Man Who Has Autism

 

First of all, when I met Seunghoon we were really young, and back then good information about autism online was honestly not great. So I had to figure out most things through first-hand experience, emotional breakdowns, confusion, trial and error, and accidentally making situations way more dramatic than they needed to be.

Also this is not going to be one of those posts written from a neurotypical perspective because I am very much not neurotypical.

So this is basically:

“How to date a guy with autism from the perspective of another mentally unstable neurodivergent gay man.”

1. Avoiding eye contact does not mean they are not interested in you.

Do not catastrophize immediately.

I learned this the very, very hard way because catastrophizing is basically my part-time job. If Seunghoon looked away while I was talking, stared at a lamp for too long, or focused on something else entirely, my brain immediately went:
“He hates me. It’s over. I’ve ruined everything.”

Meanwhile he was literally just processing things differently.

2. If they don’t laugh at your jokes or miss subtle hints, it does not mean they dislike you or think you’re weird.

At first this drove me insane because my subtle hints would completely fail to register. I didn’t want to pressure him, but at the same time I was emotionally imploding because NOTHING was landing.

I would spend hours carefully constructing some subtle emotional message in my head only for him to respond with something completely unrelated or just continue eating snacks peacefully while my soul left my body.

Eventually I realized:
you have to say things directly.

Which brings me to the next point.

3. Spell things out completely.

No matter how absurd it feels.

If I’m sad, insecure, anxious, jealous, depressed, overwhelmed, happy, or if I want affection, reassurance, or sex — I say it directly now.

Honestly this helped both of us a lot.

I have anxiety symptoms, phobias, attachment issues, borderline disorder, the deluxe collector’s edition of emotional instability, so learning to communicate openly actually made our relationship much healthier for both sides.

Now he understands my panic spirals better too.

And honestly direct communication removed so many unnecessary fights because neither of us is sitting there trying to decode mysterious emotional riddles anymore.

4. Respect comfort items and routines.

For Seunghoon it’s headphones, videogames, and scribbling in notebooks.

We never leave the house without his headphones and notebook. And if he forgets them because he feels calm or brave that day, I usually carry them for him anyway because you never know when things might suddenly become overwhelming.

And honestly at this point all those little “weird” things became some of my favorite things about him.

The way he repeats certain songs for weeks.
The way he scribbles while thinking.
The way he always needs specific objects with him.
The routines.
The small rituals.

After enough time they stop feeling like “autism behaviors” and just become part of the person you love.

If all those little strange things disappeared tomorrow, he genuinely would not feel like Seunghoon anymore.

5. If they get overwhelmed, don’t panic with them.

Give them space. Reassure them. Stay calm.

And if people stare in public? Ignore them completely.

The more focused you are on helping them feel safe again, the faster things usually settle down.

6. Avoid sudden changes, loud spaces, and overcrowded places if possible.

Ironically I also struggle with social anxiety and sensory overload unless it’s my own music or a dark room full of attractive men.

So honestly we both get overwhelmed sometimes.

One time I got trapped in a crowded underground station and started spiraling really badly because there was too much noise, too many people touching me, too much movement all at once.

Meanwhile Seunghoon — the man who normally avoids eye contact and wants to disappear into walls — suddenly switched into full emergency mode, grabbed my hand, pulled me outside, and sat with me quietly until I calmed down.

So ironically we kind of take turns malfunctioning.

Imagine both of us collapsing mentally at the same time though. Absolutely disastrous.

7. The first move was hell.

I wanted this man for YEARS and he just… did not get it.

And the problem is that I’m extremely impatient. 

So while I was overthinking every interaction, spiraling, craving reassurance, and convincing myself he secretly hated me, he genuinely had no idea what was happening.

At one point I literally hid a note inside his birthday cake asking him to be my boyfriend because apparently my brain thought that was romantic and subtle at the same time.

He ate the paper.

Not metaphorically.
Actually ate it.

I remember sitting there staring in absolute horror while he calmly kept eating cake completely unaware that my emotional confession had just been digested.

Honestly that should have prepared me for the communication style adjustments I would later need to make.

You really need to say things clearly. Not emotionally telepathically. Clearly.

Honestly, dating someone with autism taught me to stop expecting people to communicate love in the exact way I imagined they should.

A lot of things I once interpreted as distance were actually just different ways of processing the world.

And meanwhile he had to learn how to survive my emotional chaos too, so really this relationship has mostly been two neurodivergent men accidentally learning teamwork through confusion, panic attacks, emotional disasters, aggressive honesty, and occasional public malfunctioning.

But somehow it works.